Letting go after a breakup is tough to do, especially when you want to get back together with your ex. Some relationships end in a “soft break up” where both sides walk away but stay in close contact with each other. Often in these scenarios one person still feels an attraction beyond friendship, but they choose to settle for less in order to keep the ex in their life.
Now this might seem like the best of a bad situation, but when you are the one who wants more it can feel like a roller coaster ride. The good news is that keeping in touch with your ex leaves the door open for the possibility of more. The bad news is if you don’t play your cards right then you will remain friends until they find someone else – and that is when you will lose everything.
To get things back on the romantic track you have to lay the right foundation. Here are some guidelines for turning your new friend back into your old lover…
Never Use the F – Word
If you have bigger plans than just being friends then you should avoid referring to your ex that way. Every time you use the word “friend” when talking about them creates a subliminal image within the conversation. You don’t want your ex to get comfortable with where your relationship currently stands. Use a playful nickname like “buddy” or something fun from your previous time together. It doesn’t have to be seductive, but you want leave some mystery for your future.
Fun and Flirtatious
This one is simple: friendships are enjoyable but romance is exciting! Keeping things fun and insinuating will make your ex wonder why they let you go. Instead of meeting for coffee or lunch, go to a concert or museum with a group of friends. You want things to be fast paced and entertaining so they forget about the problems you had in the past. There is one catch though – if you are going to flirt you need to be in control. Don’t try to kiss them at the first sign of a connection. You have to slowly rebuild the passion. The best way to do this is by leaving them wanting more.
State Your Intentions
There will come a time when you'll need to tell your ex that you are looking for more than just a another friend. Obviously this is a risk, but it is essential to set the boundaries if you are going to make it to the next level. The timing of this statement is everything. Make sure there are no hard feelings left from your past and look for clues from their friends that they might be second-guessing your breakup. You can always start by saying something like “I have had a lot of fun with you recently.” This simple sentence should give you a response that tells if the romantic feelings are mutual.
Get a Commitment
All of your efforts to get your ex back will go in vain unless you hold out for a commitment. Don’t spoil your hard work by getting drunk and letting your passions take over. In the perfect world they will ask you to give the relationship another try. No matter who makes the first move, you have to be confident that it will last more than a couple weeks. A good rule of thumb is to wait a several days beyond the point you feel the time is right. If they truly want you back they will keep pursuing you until it happens.
There is nothing wrong with keeping your ex around as a friend as long as you know what your expectations are. If you want to get them back then you should approach each moment together as an opportunity to reconnect with them. On the other hand, if you are happy with being friends then enjoy the moment. Just realize their next boyfriend or girlfriend will likely cut the remaining ties you have together.